Surrender is absolutely an option

On the rewards of putting yourself first

My plate overflowed. It’s not the first time it happened, but, as far as I can remember, it’s the first time I didn’t feel any guilt at waving the white flag. Surrendering is an option that has always been available, but one I avoided at all costs because I used to equate surrendering with giving up — and because giving up presented itself to me as a sign of weakness.

I enter every appointment and commitment I have, personal and professional, into my Gmail calendar. One reason is to make sure none are neglected. Another is seeing, at the end of the day, that I got everything done or rescheduled, when needed, so that I could complete more urgent tasks. As a widowed single mother navigating a stage in my career where much of my work is in contracts, I’ve thankfully found my calendar full in recent weeks while regretfully chasing all of the responsibilities I’ve been given at a pace that I knew was unsustainable because it did not leave any time for me.

I’ve been a journalist long enough to have been conditioned to put my work first, regardless of other pressures and despite myself. I fed the pattern of self-neglect long enough to learn it is not healthy, and that it breeds resentment and impacts productivity. To get through the overwhelming, I’ve taken on meditation. I’ve become a regular user of the “do not disturb” function on my iPhone. I’ve rearranged the start of my day; I listen to reggae music before I engage with the news.

These all have helped. But it wasn’t until a particularly overwhelming Thursday a few weeks ago that I embraced the most rewarding of routines.

I launched Surfline and checked the next day’s conditions at Rockaway Beach, Queens. I noticed the water temperature — 37 degrees. I noticed the forecast for the day — sunny and a high of 51 degrees, warmer than any winter day in recent memory. I noticed the size of the waves — 3 to 4 feet, manageable for a novice surfer like me.

I canceled the meetings I had for Friday. I stuffed a towel, sunblock and a bag of almonds in my backpack. Then, I set my alarm clock for 6 a.m. so that I could ride the A train for 1 hour and 15 minutes and get to the beach in time for the 9 a.m. group lesson at Locals Surf School.

Check out my smile. It says a lot about how good it felt to surrender. It says a lot about the joy that came with prioritizing myself.

Since then, I’ve become even better at making choices and, given all the work that goes into doing contract work and finding full-time work, I’ve had to push some things aside, including this newsletter. I missed you. I missed the community we’ve built. (Thanks again to those of you who wrote to check in on me.)

I’m back.

I’ll soon share more about what I did during my absence; for now, all I ask is that you keep your fingers crossed for me. Here is what I can tell you:

• I was among 32 Black, Brown and Indigenous media leaders chosen for the Maynard 200 fellowship, which is focused on sharpening our skills as managers of color. The fellowship is awarded annually by the Maynard Institute for Journalism Education, a nonprofit dedicated to expanding diversity in media and dismantling structural racism in newsrooms. We spent a week in training in Fort Worth, Texas, earlier this month and will reunite there again for another week in July.

• I traveled to Phoenix to teach a writing workshop at the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication and judge the Regents’ Cup, a speech-and-debate competition featuring the top teams from Arizona’s three state universities. I returned with a stronger faith in our future.

• I logged three surf sessions in three weeks and already have my next one scheduled for this weekend. The 5/4 mm wetsuit, gloves and booties like the ones I’m wearing in the picture hugged me tightly and kept me warm. My lips were a little frozen, especially after that Friday session, my first time surfing in cold waters. There’s nothing like the feeling of cheating winter, though. (Yes, spring has arrived, but the sea temperature is still a chili 45 degrees.)

Surrendering is an act of self-love and self-care, and it requires strength to surrender. Courage. Go on. Try it out. And if you’re up for some surfing, in cold waters or otherwise, drop me a note.

With love and purpose always,

Fernanda